I'm sorry.

I have done things in my life that I am not proud of. I have hurt people that I care for most in the world. I'm not going into any specifics here, because I don't want to hurt anyone further by putting it out on the internet, but something that I DO want to immortalize is how truly sorry and ashamed of myself I am.

I think a hard part of life is coming to terms with your own shortcomings. Everyone has an idea in their head of how they want to be as they go through the world. What I'm learning is that it's really hard to do that. And sometimes when you fail, other people really get hurt.

I have always valued my integrity, my loyalty, and my honesty. These are qualities that I strive to exhibit. It is to my everlasting shame to admit that I have failed utterly in all three of these most important categories. I am a human, and I have erred. But while to err is human, we are in no way less responsible for our actions just because we're bound to screw up. And screw up I have.

And it didn't just affect me, it affected, and will continue to affect many people that I care deeply about. I have let them down. I have shown them the ugliest side of me. I have shown them how flawed I am, and I am deeply flawed. But being flawed doesn't deflect blame from me, because I am smart enough to be able to exert some control over myself. As Appius Claudius, the Roman orator once said, "Each man is the architect of his own fate." Well, I've gone and ripped out the foundations.

I have learned many things from my father, but perhaps one of the most important things, and certainly something that has never been more relevant, is the importance of a genuine and contrite apology, swiftly after having done wrong. My dad, like the rest of us, has many flaws, but the failure to apologize sincerely soon after having caused hurt to someone is not one of them. And I now have nothing left but to apologize.

The terms hypocrite and liar will probably be leveled against me, and they will be completely justified. But I hope that everyone who reads this blog, now and in the future, knows that I am aware of what I have done wrong, and that I am deeply sorry for it. Forgiveness is not automatic, it does not follow immediately from even the most sincere apologies. I know that it takes times for wounds of betrayal to heal, and that sometimes they never really heal all the way. I accept that I may lose friends, or that at the very least my friendships will be impacted by what I have done. I do not expect forgiveness, though I hope desperately for it. I expect that my name will be bandied about quite derogatorily, and this is something else that I accept. I believe that ultimately all sins are punished in one way or another, and my punishment is only just beginning.

I do not consider myself a martyr, and if anything that I've said or will say strikes you as such, please know that it is not my intent. I don't want pity, I don't want comfort. I want forgiveness, and I am willing to work to earn it. I want to regain trust, and I will work to earn that back as well. I will work to be as sincere in my contrition as is humanly possible, because I know that it's hard for people to accept the sincerity of someone they have reason to believe has been insincere, or the contrition of someone who has done something terrible.

I would like to say, to everyone and anyone that I have hurt by my actions, that I am truly, deeply sorry to have hurt you. I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and know that I will endeavor to deserve any forgiveness that I receive.

Thank you.