On Theatrical Etiquette, or The Value of Theater

RANT WARNING

"They reserve [a very special level of hell] for child molesters and people who talk at the theater." ~ Shepherd Book, Firefly

Dear readers of The Adventures of Spackle,

Today I would like to discuss a matter of theatrical etiquette that has become intensely personal to me. I do hope you'll forgive me if this gets shrill and preachy, but it's really starting to bother me quite a lot.

If you are going to the theater, arrive on time. It's as simple as that. I know that life often intervenes with punctuality, but honestly. Most of the time, you've paid a lot of money to see a show. Don't you want to see all of it? You would be absolutely shocked if you knew how many people come strolling up to the theater at or even after the posted curtain time as if they had all the time in the world, and that there wasn't an incredibly complicated event involving sometimes hundreds or thousands of people and huge amounts of labor to create all waiting for them to find their ticket, use the restroom, and get into their seats. Have you ever noticed that theatrical shows almost never start on time? Would you like an industry secret? It's because we wait for latecomers. We. Wait. It is so habitual that a significant enough portion of the audience will arrive after curtain time that it is imprudent in the extreme to actually start on time.

Isn't that kind of sad? It is in many ways a measure of the respect these people have not only for the theater, but for their fellow audience members. It also makes me wonder if these people would have such a cavalier attitude towards punctuality if they were going to a movie or a sporting event (though admittedly these are far more informal events than even a modern theatrical experience). How about a flight. Some people pay as much for a theater ticket as they do for a flight, and they manage to show up on time, or face the consequences of missing the flight.

Like I said, sometimes being late is regrettably unavoidable, which brings me to my next point. If you do find yourself arriving late to the theater, and that theater allows late seating (it is perfectly within their rights to refuse admittance, and I guarantee you that if they do refuse admittance it has been well-posted), for the love of all things holy, do not assume that your tardiness will just be simply overshadowed by your desire not to miss anything. The only time latecomers to the theater ever seem to be in a rush is when they realize that they're missing something. Then it's sighs, groans, sarcastic remarks, subtle and not-so-subtle implications of incompetence, stupidity, or downright malice on the part of the front-of-house staff. How much will I miss? Why aren't you letting me in? The start time of the show wasn't posted. You're not very good at your job. You're an idiot. I can't f***ing believe this, you had better f***ing let me in right f***ing now.

Not very nice, right? And I always used to wonder why people in customer service fields that relate to discretely timed events are always so disgruntled. It's at least in part because people, whether out of guilt or a lack of regard seek to deflect blame when they are late for a show or a flight or anything that they were supposed to be on time for and started without them. I guess they somehow think that they'll either get their way, or at least feel better about themselves if they make the front-of-house staffer feel as badly about themselves as possible.

And no, you can't just stroll right in to the theater the second you show up huffing and puffing complaining about how unreliable the MTA is or how you didn't realize what time the show started or dinner was late or whatever. Unlike a movie, there are actual, living and breathing professionals plying their craft for the enjoyment of the audience, and it takes a great deal of concentration to do it well. So if you just stroll in whenever you want and make a big production out of finding your seat, you'd better believe that the actors on stage have noticed. Furthermore, I guarantee you that every single person reading this blog has been in a situation where they were watching a show (or a movie) and someone comes in late, and of course they're sitting in your row, and of course you have to let them pass in front of you, and of course in that 30 seconds you've missed a crucial piece of dialogue and the entire theatrical spell has been broken for you as reality crashes down on your foot. Distracting, right? Especially when you shelled out a lot of dough and made a huge effort to arrive on time yourself. I guarantee you that the people who make a big deal about having to wait until an appropriate moment to be seated that will minimize distraction would also make a big deal about the reverse.

I'll grant you, there are people who come dashing into the theater under the gun full of apologies, thankful that we've held the curtain. And there are people who show up late, full of contrition, ready to wait as long as it takes to be seated because, after all, it was their fault. These people are Godsends to house managers. These people make it as easy as possible for us to do our jobs. Would you like another industry secret? Nice people get special treatment. Jerks do not. I have gone out of my way and bent over backwards to help out someone at the theater who is nice and appreciative. I have gone out of my way and bent over backwards to purposefully not help someone who is a total jerk. I'm a human being. If you treat me like a lesser being, I will not exert the effort necessary to take care of your needs. That's true of all customer service fields, I'll wager. People who are nice get looked after. People who are mean do not. Sure, you may intimidate whoever you're dealing with, but I guarantee you that you'll get the industry-equivalent of spit in your food, or worse.

Theater, more than any other art form (except maybe the high arts of symphony, ballet/dance, and opera) is an intensely communal experience. That's actually what makes it special. A group of people comes together in a specific place at a specific time to experience the telling of a specific story in a specific way that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Even a show that plays 8 times a week is never the same twice. That's the beauty of a live performance. And the audience actually plays an enormous role in creating that experience. The energy of the audience feeds the energy of the performers, amplifying and building. But if the audience is distracted, the performers get distracted, amplifying and destroying. You get something out of sitting in an audience and watching a play or musical that you will NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS REPLICATE THROUGH SOME OTHER MEDIA NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY. The audience is part of the equation. You are part of the performance, influencing every other person in the theater with you, onstage or off.

I have spent a lot of time pondering the future of theater in this ever more digitalized world, where entertainment that cannot be instantly accessed and carried around in our pocket somehow isn't worth it. And I know that there are a lot of people out there who believe that the theater is dead, or at least is dying a slow painful death along with symphonies, opera, and ballet. There's no denying that theater is no longer a huge part of the western cultural experience for most people. There are so many more convenient and inexpensive modes of entertainment available that it's really hard to for theater to compete for the ever-dwindling share of the entertainment time and money of the public. HOWEVER, I honestly believe that theater is one of the most profound agents for change available to human civilization. It is an ancient and venerable art form, capable not just of entertaining and transporting the viewer, but more importantly of showing them a part of themselves (or someone else) that they perhaps hadn't seen before. That's not to say that theater isn't guilty of occasional (or even frequent) spectacle (or even that spectacle is necessarily a bad vehicle for art), but by and large it is really a worthwhile and engaging art form. Yes, I know that sometimes theater is indulgent and inaccessible - and that's a bad thing. Yes, I know that sometimes theater is hard to see, and challenges the way you think and believe or shows you something you don't like - and that's a good thing. People need to be shaken out of their comfort zone and have their beliefs challenged from time to time. That's how we grow. The self-examination that follows seeing a really provocative piece of theater is perhaps unrivaled in the creative world.

Theater is not for all people at all times. That much I know is true. And there are things that theater can't do as well as other art forms can. But at the end of the day, theater is an important part of human heritage that still has a lot of mileage left in it. You should really go see a play or musical, as soon as you can. All over the country (and world) there are hundreds and thousands of theaters putting on shows, and they need your support. I promise you, you won't regret it. Just promise me this. If you go, show up on time, and if you're late, be nice.